Desperate

My world, my room, my studies, my social-relationship and etc are all in the mess.

I start to lose the direction of where I am standing. After four weeks, lots of things happen, lots of unarranged stuff, lots of intrupts which I hate the most, lots of personal problem start to roots on my soul, lots and lots more which I have lose track to sort it out. I can't really tell you what wrong with me. One thing I am clear is that it is not cause by my studies. There nothing related to my studies. It should be all about me.

Am I too fatigue to face all these things? I feel hatred that whenever I want to do my things, people always keep an eye on me. Not concerning but the feeling of "kiasu" on me. Keep on peeping on my answer leave no room no privacy for me during the class. I hate the smell of smoke in the classroom after the 5 minutes break. I hate those keep nagging on me interupt me when I want to start my very own things. I don't have my own freedom at all. I hate it. I hate it. Or it is too much time for me to worried to think about all these rubbish?

I keep on rushing hard with the time to deal with my personal relationship pressure. No matter how hard I fight right till now it is still in mess. Argh I know the mute point that there is no point for me to run away from my life. I know my problem may seems a dust for someone who sufferes from the silent killer, someone who feel like suiciding, someone who loses their families in the war, someone who lose his or her body parts from accident and etc. Well, the list will go on and on without a full stop. They ae just like recycle bin.

I am tired? I can never answer this question. I feel like crying I hope everything stop just right now. It seems that I still ready for the real life. I feel like fading. Totally everything is fading. Starting to hate everything of myself. I feel empty actually. Laughing just like pretending. Crying just like faking. I hate it. I hate this part and every part.

Why I try to weave all the injuries it does alleviate? All action have reaction but why I can't find the reaction. Every lock is designed with a key. Why I just can't find thek ey of my heart. Every problem is set up with a solution. Why there is infinity and maths error in Calculus? Endless why endless how.........