Mix Feeling

I just come to a sudden conclusion that I do not know myself well. Recently, my sight and thought just can't let go things like money, majoring to choose, performance, drama, relationship with others, what's on with myself (lagging and slow updated makes myself upset all time long) and etc.

Well, sometime I was just too loose and too tight. I just cannot manage to be on the center point. I like to try a lot of things but seldom focus on certain things. I did take part in two first time audition. One is talentime which falls on 18/3 and another is an cultural night live band performance. I tried but the result is not so well entertaining. I got no news and another one got bad news. Ok, i believe 75 percent people ever got this kind of experience and non of them welcome the atmosphere of being rejected. I am one of them.

My time is too much yet less. How should I put it. Okay, I am impatient in certain way. For the pass two days, I receive notice of practicing drama in school at night 10pm. It is kind a shock for me, cause I never receive meeting at such a cool time and i-do-not-want-to-go-time. I end up going there anyway. First day I wait for one and a half hour and the meeting was canceled. Second day, I wait for half and hour and keep calling person in charge. They said no meeting. I am real piss off. I spent my time like XXXX.

I am getting lazier in jogging, swimming, studying, room cleaning routine and even cooking. I am still thinking of a way to kill the virus which deeply implement in my mind and soul. I feel like a shit on a road. What's on relationship. No comment but sometime I think the real me is not wanting someone belong with me, not wanting someone to be around just to keep me feel that I am with someone. I don't have friends. I don't join bunch of people having lunch and giggling for jokes i the cafeteria. I don't join friends in class, class end I will automatically vanish in front of people sight too. Sometime get some pity perspective from my friends and they just hoo-haa with me then bye-bye.

Well, I can just say nothing goes well. I am gloomy like a story actress. Walking on the needle beam with no shadow. I die I die.