Desperate

My world, my room, my studies, my social-relationship and etc are all in the mess.

I start to lose the direction of where I am standing. After four weeks, lots of things happen, lots of unarranged stuff, lots of intrupts which I hate the most, lots of personal problem start to roots on my soul, lots and lots more which I have lose track to sort it out. I can't really tell you what wrong with me. One thing I am clear is that it is not cause by my studies. There nothing related to my studies. It should be all about me.

Am I too fatigue to face all these things? I feel hatred that whenever I want to do my things, people always keep an eye on me. Not concerning but the feeling of "kiasu" on me. Keep on peeping on my answer leave no room no privacy for me during the class. I hate the smell of smoke in the classroom after the 5 minutes break. I hate those keep nagging on me interupt me when I want to start my very own things. I don't have my own freedom at all. I hate it. I hate it. Or it is too much time for me to worried to think about all these rubbish?

I keep on rushing hard with the time to deal with my personal relationship pressure. No matter how hard I fight right till now it is still in mess. Argh I know the mute point that there is no point for me to run away from my life. I know my problem may seems a dust for someone who sufferes from the silent killer, someone who feel like suiciding, someone who loses their families in the war, someone who lose his or her body parts from accident and etc. Well, the list will go on and on without a full stop. They ae just like recycle bin.

I am tired? I can never answer this question. I feel like crying I hope everything stop just right now. It seems that I still ready for the real life. I feel like fading. Totally everything is fading. Starting to hate everything of myself. I feel empty actually. Laughing just like pretending. Crying just like faking. I hate it. I hate this part and every part.

Why I try to weave all the injuries it does alleviate? All action have reaction but why I can't find the reaction. Every lock is designed with a key. Why I just can't find thek ey of my heart. Every problem is set up with a solution. Why there is infinity and maths error in Calculus? Endless why endless how.........

Mouth Muscle Exercise

Long time didn't have good time to laugh ? Let's go and watch Ice Age 3. It is damn so funny. Endless laughing send you tears and heartbreak pumping. Bring your friend around that's the most wonderful suggestion.

Well, yesterday night I went out with my friends' friend. I should consider it as my friend by the time right now. Let's see, there about twelve of us which including me. There are Sis Evonne (Cyne Mei), Bro Darick, Bro Hong (Contonese dialec), Bro Steve, Bro Wei Quan, Sis Ah Yan (Cantonese sound), Bro David (he 24hrs laughing and humor guy)...etc sorry actually I forget what names they are. I recognize faces though. They are kind and funny. Thanks for bringing me back and fro.

No worries, I know what is good and bad for me. I know how to control my desire I went back early without following them for the "yam cha" session. See, I know. I hope I will always know. I must know. I will often reflect what I am doing and within the circumference.

Magic Works

Hey dude, do I enter the wrong place? The incident that I meet the comman door, security women, shelfs of book...etc. Just that there crowded in the library and also noisy. Gosh, I damn miss the first and second week of peaceful library. The place is still the same just the human come to alive. While I am doing my own things, I am forced to listen to people gossip about others affair, about their project (specially work on mouth but no paper work), foreigner speaking on the alien language which I will never ( not to say never I am improving) understand.

Currently just make final decision on picking up Japanese Cultural Club, Swimming Club and also Hype Club. Well, it costs something which i will work harder to make it twice in return or more. I promise to do so!! Today my mood kind of in good state as the incident of the afternoon, I go to lunch with Sis Cai Huan. Well, I successfully got a lunch of RM2.50 by haivng four dishes of veges. So so happy. Right after that I am having a peech flavor milk shake. Long time didn't touch on this kind of things already. Arhggg so sorry, for my ATM machine. It works really hard for me and it is going to wilt out soon. I feel sorry for myself too. Overt indulgence. I need to send myself to military-mental state-abstract school for some while.

I start to feel great for my life here. I feel contented after washing my clothes and dry it using my bare hand. I feel happy after making myself a breakfast or dinner. I know it is simply without implying on the fire and gas. But I do really feel satisfied. Well, I too happy after cleaning my room every Sunday. As for your information, my room is full of dust and not dust friendly. You may pick up dust on my desk, cupboard, bottle, mirror and etc. Another additional mute point. Ants coming back one by one. Their summer holiday seems to end soon. They are coming back.

Thanks for my sister finally buy me something useful for my night. I mean things to kill and endangered the mosquito. Once a while I am having a harmony night. Okay, guess it is time to stop here. Preview: There are lots more interesting blog post to be upload soon. As a promise my colourful and bright life will lit up soon. ^^. Bless me and you now and always. Love to be share to be care.~

What for?

Morning, after having English Class. Straight went to library foyer there wait for my friends who promise to do English Speaking discussion together. Me and Sis Cai Huan go straight. Okay, we choose to go for breakfast first as we are need to wait for them to have breakfast too. Know what? We wait for one hour and I informed them that we will go to stadium to watch the orientation. Well, we end up meeting them there. So speechless.

Afternoon, as promise with my another friend to go same meeting place to have lunch. Meeting Sister Chyn Mei and Brother Darick impromtuly there. They offered me to have lunch together. I end up lose track with them so two strangers offered me there vacancies. Ya, by now I should call them my friends or my senior? Guess so. One of the girl from FCM called Sis Yue Er and another one called Elaine. They found my name humor as they having a housemate call Karen too. I see. They are kind of funny. Kind to tell me lots of secret too. After tasting much more salt and pepper than me. Laughing at my purity, I feel that there is lots more I need to improve myself. Back to the topic what for. Well, I didn't meet my friend there as they change the venue lately so I cancel my desire to meet with them too.

Evening again, after minutes so discussion I am again nominated to be indepent. Well, again I want to introduce my new foreign friend called Brother Emet. Nice to meet you friend. Cool name it seems like Emmett in the Twilight haha. He is a nice friend. I admired his spirit to ask and to learn. Bless him in his future to be bright and happy. He is always so helpful.

Night, I must show my gratitude here for the concerning of Brother Darick and Sis Cyne Mei. Well, thanks for cooking something for me but I cannot make it to taste it. So sad, cause I having another appointment which I nee to go to school meet up with my lab friends. Know what????? I reach there on time though I must admit that I feel disgusting after eating my cincai meal. I end up waiting for them about two hours. from 8 till 10p.m. Luckily Sis Cai Huan come and accompany me. Thanks for her. Anyway, Saint say to forgive is divine. Miss Chee said so too. So please please do forgive my dearest friend. Though I really do not know what their concept upon being punctual. People who like in west Malaysia having this kind of virus huh?

Thanks again to Sis Cai HUan from the abyss of my heart that she walks me to the mouth of the school. Then she teachs me the new route to go back home. Well really appreciate that.

Okay, time up! See ya readers. Thanks for you being so patient to finish reading my long long boring heart mourning. This is they way I release my .... feeling? Should I say to express hehe. I think it is better to say so. What do you think?

Something to say on the next day (7/7/2009)
Sorry friend I just learn that if you start judging people you will be having no time to love them.

Deja- VU

Yesterday I went to Alamanda with my Sis and Bro Sherid. I saw lots of MMU's student there haha. If you are popular enough you might need to Hi/Yo Wassup friend/ Heyy/ or waving high at your friend like a fanatic. I buy lots of bone friendly grocerries and 'some' indulgence. Tee-hee. Which cost me quiet some penny. I will save it for my exam cramming period lol. In contray of this, we go around Putrajaya too. Watch the night scenary of glamourous bridge. We only manage to dicover two. One is cat women another one is purple glow.

Whack my face please. I bring my camera without charging it. The battery soon flat. -.-

My night same again to be filled with mosquito issues. I feel appreciate that my room have no more ants revenge. Hope they won't visit anymore. Headache everyday because of night awake. Ahhh... hard to concentrate in class but to play game I am still in the active condition. After switching off the power source I feel like dying haha.

Today I read something funny just to share here. Well, teacher is those who make tea. Know why? Read it slow tea- cher. Hahah... got what I mean?? Soon after 6 hours of random reading, I stop and play games for my so call a while hehe. Then too hot so I sleep. Weird theory but its mine.

Lots of event coming soon which all of them are the very first experience of mine. Example like Daicon, Co-curricular orientation last for three days, my first exam in my university. The first formal exam in formal place except for my driving test, my English speaking test, my first quiz...etc. Well, lots of decision to be made. I got to recruit all my courage to do so. All the best. Hope I can mantain at the peak spirit everyday. ^^ Y-E-S !! I can do it.

News update report of mine:
One week no exercise~ since I hurt my leg and my foot.
Guess now I am getting better but my soul don't feel any better.
It seems like I forget to do something no satisfied no pacifier not contented at all.

My History - My Dilemma

In year 2006, I fall down "accidentally". Should I say so. Actually is I was having training but suddenly a junior appear infront of me and having chop kick. Ya the scenario is still fresh in my mind. This is when and where I got to stop Taekwondo. But I was still proud of myself that I manage to join the competition. Right after my competition only I unveil the fact and tell all the things to my mum and which my mum should know. Soon, I was admitted to a specialist clinic.

This is what the doctor said :

1) Finish all the tablet I give to you. It just to reduce the pain and help to recover a bit.

** No garuantee of hundred percent recover. (this is what a specialist do?)

2) STRICTLY NO MORE TAEKWONDO OR ANY EXERCISE WHICH HIGH INVOLVED FORCE ON YOUR KNEE. (At least you no more want your leg and to walk)

3) Two months no activities. Normal walking is still acceptable no running (What the... you should know how I feel, just like I'm asking you stop to come to work and which is your passion. )

Those months are like millenium. Good grief I pass it through. Do I still want it to happen in my life again?

Yesterday night, after having a good and fun chatting session with Bro Darick, Bro Chun Hoe and Sis Chyn Mei. I feel I sleep better. It was really fun to gather and chat. We play the teeter totter while chatting. The climax of mine that night. I know I am childish. Hahah.

Back to topic. When we chat about martial art. I was silent for sometime. I show my determination of joining Taekwondo. But that night, I can feel the silent mourne of my knee. Telling me stop to do so. I feel so confused now. Do I really need to let go which I just join?

Friends do show some light and comments on my not-yet-decide decision. Thanks!!

Hah I am back

I stop Taekwondo since 2006. Vaguely remember I am an active and obidient learner at Kuching. Everytime when I think about it, I seems like having a daydream. Yesterday night, finally I make a decision to go back to Taekwondo. I try to retrace back all the information of MMU's. Luckily I meet kind senior who share with me about what she knows to answer my curiosity.



Lots of strategies to learn. Lots of pain, blood and sweat awaits to endure. After the massive training. My feet undergo ghetto situation. My skin wear off. What I got from my senior they said this is just a phenomena that a beginner will endure. Everything got to start from zero. My fundamental is just like a cat standing at the end of the unbalanced metal beam which hang high up middle of the air. I still don't have much confidence upon my decision. Whether is it right or wrong to go back to Taekwondo. My old injuries will be severe or will there be miracles? I always tend to entertain the persismistic thought first. Crap!!



Back to my studies condition. It still consider fair. I can't really concentrate as I said before my energy wears off. As I often wake up middle of the night. Treasure kisses from mosquito. Another thing which I feel bad about myself is giving trust to people one second ago and brush it off right another moment. I don't have a concentre decision of mine. Sorry to my friends, if I hurt anyone of you so.



I will try to improve if you guys willing to pour kinds of doubt upon me. I don't mind. Really. I am willing to listen to you anytime anywhere. Thanks.

OMG day

Woooo this is Engineering clock. Well, back to my topic. I miscalculate todays' day and time. I thought today is Sunday. So I end up fired all the alarm who act as angels who sings for me till I dead fade up with them. I was having a 8 morning class. I realise by 7.30 morning. Damn damn... I rush like a crazy horse. Done with my bath, meal, books and get the key and start to rush.

Wow, sweat hit me like meteor rain. OMG OMG... when I went into the class.. phew the class not yet start. I am a weird and shy girl know what? I having some phobia of being late for class. I will make such a decision as I don't want to go to the class anymore or I totally crazy for about an hour then going to cry mad soon. See? hahaha...

Right after class accompany my friend, Sister Amal Wan Zulkifar (did I spell it right?) Weee... finally remember your whole name. After sending in her document we go pick up my bottle which is leave by ME after I ship in my $$. Luckily I didn't lost it if not this will be case two di. Following by going to the Security department to take noob picture of my for ID card. Ahhhhhhhhh.... so ugly ...... regret to refuse the offer form the authority to take one more. The tihng i reject is I worried that the second one will be terrible and I end up choosing the first one.

When we walk out from the building we discuss about our weekends, My dear friend as how's your monday and tuesday which make me speechless that that is definately not weekend at all. Our ocnservaiton is full of stupid mistake. we end up conclude that our brain is not working today. Owhh.... OMG OMG>

Afternoon, I called my granny which the phone call is picked up by my aunt. Miss her voice and my gramma one. Night time again having my dinner prepared by my sis. Thanks.

The reaosn why i put up this photo is yesterday I saw a foreign fair guy with cap and sunglass wearing pair of roller skater Eee.. so cool and decent. Wow..... I want to learn too... but but.... sure having lot of bruises and acciedent. My bruises revored damn slow speed. So I will think about it twice more.

Shopping Spree

June indulges. As to unwind the stress and celebrate I enter Alpha year in Engineering in MMU. Well, basically I shop. It doesn't mean that I am a shopaholic but shop as award for my hard work for the half of the month. I plan to shop crazily for two times per month. This month I have haunted place like ALAMANDA and One Utama shopping mall.

Thanks for brother Sheridan and my sister for bringing me around there. Well, in fact I not yet finish shopping but the copied-cat shop closed one by one at about half pass ten. I spend two third of my day there. Start from afternoon half pass one till night twelve something. First, we go visit Bro Sheridan house. Think of watching them haivng their lunch as I already have mine. It turns out ot be I watching Michael Jackson's MV processing series in channel MTV. Damn so nice. I am not a crazy fans yet I like the way he dances and his vocal.

It is kind like rumors spread around the world that Michael had died. A Father of POp died of cardiac arrest. Don't you feel weird. I don't think he has any cardiac problem history at all. He is so adorable that his perfections has spread around future generation about the pop and dance. He will sure be forever remembered. So sad that he never come to Malaysia having his concert.

Songs that I like are Black ad White, Heal the world, You're not alone, thriller, Do you remember the time and etc. Wow, everytime I listen the Heal the World I can still feel the warmth, power and love of his voice.

Back of my life, I have cendol as a treat from Bro She. Nice but guess I have it at the wrong time. The weather is kind of filthy and not hot enough. Soon, after losing our way from quite some round finally we reach One U. FIsrt and formost the Hong Kong Egg Tart stall attract us. It seems like choosing dougnut from Big Apple. I choosing double layered milk eggtart, Bro She. got his last piece of coffee favor and my sis wants a Hong Kong knowned puff.

Then we have our DINNER at the food stall. I ordered Seaweed Noodle. Wow, damn so nice. It seems to be the best meal ever since I reach KL. Hahah. Miss the taste. Wow. I kind of admired myself too cause I manage to finish a big bowl of noodle. I feel sorry for finish all the things cause it is too nice till I feel speechless but full. ^^

Shop shop shop walk walk walk pass time like you don't ever know. Till about twelve. My monsterous Sis feels hungry somemore. Wooo, no choice but to follow. Again I enjoy watching tv with Michael Jackson soul. about pass twelve then we reach home. ZzzZzzzZzzz, when I sa my bed only I know how tired I am. PUfffff, ZzzZzzzzzz....

LIB

I love library. I like the library which I state on my photo. Not to say that I complained about my own university's library design. Just that I like to watch the scenery while studying. After tiring day, it will be nice to partially meditate by watching the swaying trees and motionless clould shade on you. This also give me a feeling of I am not alone.

About today, well, thanks for mosquito waking me up this damn early morning, 1.24a.m overt kissing me. This morning I feel kind of headache as I didn't sleep well. Still try hard to absorb what teacher said about vector. Thanks a lot for Glayds and Anif teahcing me Physics.

Right after class, accompanying Amal to the Chinese Food stall. I having mountain of veges which laugh by Amal. I fel great that Amal enjoy Chinese Food so well. ^^. As she nudges me abot that she never took chinese food ever since she comes and kind of fade up with the Western food. Just wanna make a day, we go to book shop for gambling. JOking. As a book cost me 99 ringgit. Woow. Taking up 100 plus to revive our energy.

Back to library. I enjoy my time there as itme flies without calling me. Amal leave soon as she wanna go back to her hometown. Luckily there still a brother there. I feel sorry for him as I having lots of problems with physics which I still not yet grow any roots of passion on it. Well yea I know how to solve the quesiton already thanks.

New reliasation about that I need sometime to enter changing language mode. Cause till this is the first time I need to totally communicate with my friend using MALAY. I am so damaged. For your information, you will keep hearing me syaing pardon. The most prominant part is that he is one who is going to explain with me about tihngs I am confuse and spend the next hours with me. I feel a bit stress at first by wandering I need to tell him I am not good in Malay or I try to pretend I know what he is syaing by nodding my head and sometime give him a smile? Uhh.. anyways I manage to strive through it.

Today's decision, I want to take part in Japanese Cultural Club as I know Chinese, English and Malay di. And also Taekwondo. Optional is Akido and French Language Club. Today, I just found out that Amal also like Yamashita too ^^ hehe. At library we laugh at something comman. She comments that I look so excited when I greet my classmate. Do I? hahaha.